Published in partnership with Scarleteen beccaboo71 asks: Is there something wrong with me? Or is he just really scared himself? Get the facts, direct to your inbox. Subscribe to our daily or weekly digest. The most basic thing you need to know is this: Anyone, of any gender or age, also may not want every sexual opportunity offered to them even if that opportunity has a lot of what they want and seems awesome in many ways.
There is nothing any more weird or incomprehensible about a guy not feeling comfortable engaging in sex at a given time or not feeling ready for sex than there is about a girl feeling that way. There is probably no healthy person on the planet who would always say yes to every sexual opportunity that could possibly be extended to them. And what gets us to yes or go is rarely just about wanting to have sex with someone, especially if we have any clue of all sex can be about, how it can go and what it can ask of us and our partners.
Sometimes it is about that partner. Maybe a person thinks their potential partner is less ready than they think they are. Maybe they want certain things in a relationship from a partner before they get sexual, like a certain kind of commitment. Sometimes saying no is about where someone feels in their own sexual development, sexuality, or sex life so far.
Sometimes someone might not feel willing or ready to take some of the physical risks sex involves, like the risk of pregnancy or STIs, or feel they have the things they want, need, or are most comfortable with to reduce those risks.
Without the income to deal with major repairs, the time to do what I needed to to get settled in, what might have been the best thing ever could instead turn into something that drives me into debt or otherwise makes my life miserable instead of better. Sex might offer us some amazing things, but if we already have a lot on our plate at a given time to deal with, or are struggling with something tough, we might prefer to save that opportunity for a time and space in life when we feel more able to truly enjoy it and have the kind of time and space in our hearts and lives for it.
Why else might someone decline on sex? Sometimes people have cultural or religious beliefs that make choosing to have sex in a certain situation wrong for them. Sometimes people feel like things are moving too fast, or feel pressured, and they want only to choose to have sex at a pace that feels right for them and without feeling any pressure.
Those are just some, of so, so very many possibilities. Chances are, that the choice for you is about more than just if someone you like wants to have sex with you, right? The same is probably true for your boyfriend. People who study sexuality for their job, and do so carefully and thoughtfully, know that when it comes to gender, people are more alike than different, and this is one of those places where, on the whole, there are not big gender differences.
But you know who probably does know, and who certainly knows better than me or you? You know this one. And you can ask him so that you can know more and feel less lost here. In other words, there may be nothing wrong with you at all, and for all we know without finding out from him, this may even have nothing to do with you, period.
In other words, if and when we feel like whether someone says yes or no to sex with us has a lot to do with our own feelings of self-confidence, self-worth, or self-esteem, or it makes us question the whole of good relationships, chances are good that it might not be our best choice to have sex yet either, because we might need to develop more of those things before we are ready.
Plus, for most of us, now and then when someone nixes sex with us it IS going to be about us, and they might even say so hopefully with some tact. For example, maybe that cologne a boyfriend chose to wear reminds you of your grandpa, so you find yourself feeling not at all interested in sex and strangely more interested in hearing stories about the Great Depression.
Maybe something you wore on a given day just rubs a sexual partner the wrong way: And, of course, sometimes our attraction to people, or theirs to us, changes: Scenarios like these are things that can and do tend to happen, so one part of being ready for sex is feeling pretty equipped to handle situations like that.
And we can probably agree that that has to seriously suck and make a person feel pretty crappy. You can probably also understand the amount of pressure that can put on a person to have sex.
Make clear that pressuring him is the last thing you want to do, and that you hear and accept his no. Trying to understand one another is a huge piece of growing a healthy intimate relationship. If he does want to talk, start listening. When you ask questions, do your best not to project your own stuff onto them. So, you can say that without projecting: You can keep the door on this conversation rotating.
One talk is probably not going to cover all of this, so make clear that you want both of you to be able to talk all of this out as much as each of you wants and feels comfortable with. Whatever comes out of these talks, if there are things you both know you can help the other with that will make you each more comfortable with the possibility of sex—whether or not you both choose to engage in it soon—make a mental list of them, and start working on some of those things.
Your boyfriend nixing sex for now can be a good thing, rather than made of nothing but bummer, because this gives you both the time to get more clued in to where each of you are really at with all of this, making it much more likely, if and when you do become sexual, for this to be something you both feel great about and have a great experience with, instead of something one or both of you feels bad about or had a lousy experience with.