Relaxation and Arousal Though it's normal to be nervous, if you're with someone you trust, enjoy other kinds of sex with, and with whom you feel safe, you should be pretty relaxed. Though it's normal to feel excited and antsy at the same time. If you aren't, be sure and take stock. You may just be nervous because you're doing something new, but it's also possible you or your partner aren't ready, you don't want to, or you aren't really with someone you trust or feel safe with.
Trust your gut feelings, and be sure your heart and your head have good communication, too. When your body relaxes, your muscles get a little looser, your breathing gets a little deeper, and then you're more likely to get and stay sexually aroused. When you are aroused excited , your body will usually act in kind , lubricating itself, loosening the muscles and tendons in your whole pelvic area, and becoming much more sensitive to sensation and touch, with that touch more likely to feel pleasurable, not painful.
Doing the Deed When and if you feel ready to attempt intercourse, before you do anything else, have your partner put on a condom , or, if you're the partner with the penis , put the condom on. You should not be trying a condom for the first time and first intercourse: Be sure to use extra latex-safe lubricant with the condom, and put a generous amount of lube on and around the entire vulva.
Either or both of you can massage the vaginal opening and clitoris with the lube, and be sure it's really slippery, andbe sure to add more lube throughout as needed. Suffice it to say, that extra "massaging" should hardly feel like a chore. The vaginal opening is where the penis is inserted into, and one partner will usually need to with all intercourse, not just the first time use a hand to slide the inner labia apart and guide the head of the penis into the vaginal opening.
If one or both of you are uncertain as to where that is, take some time -- be that minutes or weeks -- to better explore the vulva, with fingers and your eyes, to be more familiar with what's what. There is no need to worry about penetrating the urethra by accident, because that simply isn't possible: Same goes for the cervix. Sometimes, however, a male partner may "miss" the vagina and start to enter into the anus , so if that happens, just speak up.
While it's your call, it can be ideal for your partner to know it's your first time for a number of reasons, the biggest of which is that healthy sex requires honesty. It can be helpful to be clear that you need he or she to be patient, and communicate with you as you go, as you will with them. This isn't the time to be shy, or get silent, so if you have a problem talking about sex, you shouldn't be quite this far along.
These are also things we'll ideally want to have going on with all kinds of sex, whether it's our 1st time or our st time. A lot of us have grown up with the idea that virginity is something tangible, that it's highly valuable, and that it's something we give to someone or take from someone else.
Let's unpack this a little. Virginity is a cultural or personal concept. We can't tell, just by looking at someone , whether or not they're a virgin. The idea of cherry popping as something physical or anatomical is also a myth. And any kind of sex between people isn't really about giving, getting or taking: In other words, when people engage in sex together, they're adding something, not taking something away: You can take a look at where the ideas of virginity really come from here.
While first intercourse can be less worrisome in some respects for the person with the penis -- it's not you who is going to get pregnant, and you're unlikely to experience any pain or bleeding -- plenty of guys DO have their own sets of worries about first intercourse: Most positions for intercourse will work out fine for you, but you're still most likely to be able to figure things out with either the missionary position -- you on top -- or with your female partner on top.
That way, you both have a better view of what is down there, as well as better control over moving into intercourse gradually, and as is most comfortable for both partners. Know that even long-time intercourse-havers usually do have to guide the penis to the vagina with hands, so don't worry that your penis has to have some sort of radar that allows it to find its own way.
Throughout, talk to your partner: If you get nervous, it's OKAY. Even if that means losing an erection: So, don't sweat it too badly, and try and keep things down-to-earth: Lastly, be sure and play your part in sexual responsibility when it comes to safer sex and birth control: People tend to report that the two easiest positions for new intercourse are either the missionary position where the person with the penis is on top , or a position where the person with the vulva is on top.
The latter may be a little easier because that person, who is more likely to have issues with discomfort, can control how deeply a penis is going into a vagina and at what pace. When you begin vaginal entry, go slow. Start by just setting the tip of the penis against the vaginal opening. You can learn a thing or two here from an eastern tantric tradition: It should be up to the insertive partner the one who someone else's body part is going inside of to say how deep to go, and how fast to move.
That person is the one most likely to experience pain if anyone gets too hasty, after all. Don't do anything that feels horribly uncomfortable for either of you: It may only feel good to have an inch of entry, and then move very slowly. On the other hand, it may feel just fine to enter more deeply for both partners, and move more rapidly.
Much of the time, how aroused the insertive partner is makes a very big difference in this regard. Just tell each other as you go what feels good, and what doesn't -- this is no time to be shy! Most of all, breathe. Look at the instructions given to a woman in labor, silly as that might sound. Though intercourse isn't anything even remotely close to as painful or intensive for your body as labor, the best thing for both of you to do is to breathe. Take nice deep breaths, and keep 'em steady.
Bringing oxygen into your body and releasing it keeps your muscles relaxed, your head clear, and your heart steady and calm. Pain and Bleeding You may find that first intercourse does hurt. How much it hurts -- or if it does at all -- varies a good deal from person to person, experience to experience.
However, most of the time, when people are all very aroused, relaxed and feel ready and comfortable and going about intercourse soundly, people feel good, rather than being in pain. Even the first time. Sometimes the corona hymen may likely not be worn away a lot yet, and even if it has been somewhat, what remains of it may not have been stretched as much before as it is being stretched now.
But most commonly, pain or bleeding isn't about the hymen at all. Instead, it is more commonly about about feeling nervous, rushed, unsafe or scared, not aroused enough or having a partner be too hasty. Not communicating that something hurts, and keeping on in silence is another common culprit with pain during intercourse. Again, go at a pace that feels right to you. If it hurts, stop; take a couple minutes again where the penis is just pressed against the vaginal opening, perhaps stimulate the clitoris a little, or take a big break to talk or snuggle.
When and if you're both ready, try again. You may find you have to do this any number of times, and since it should still be enjoyable and intimate, there is absolutely no need to apologize for it. Any sort of sex isn't a one-shot deal -- it's a lifelong experience.
Anyone in a hurry to "get it over with," is completely missing the boat. We all also have different personal pain thresholds. For some people who have pain, first intercourse pain is a hiccup, and for others they feel a good deal of pain and discomfort.
If it hurts a lot for you, you aren't a wuss, or weak, and if it doesn't hurt at all, that doesn't mean you weren't a virgin, or that something is wrong with you, either. First intercourse pain is usually, when it happens at all, fairly mild and short pain if you are aroused, relaxed, properly lubricated, and have a sensitive and patient partner. There are a very small number of people whose coronas hymens are simply very resistant to eroding at all, and these people will usually feel tremendous pain at attempting intercourse.
If you're one of them, you have probably found you cannot use tampons either, nor insert a finger into your vaginal opening. No matter how you try and break down a gate like this, it just isn't going to open, so you'll need to go and see a doctor or gynecologist to deal with it.
Sex aside, it's not really healthy or comfortable to go through life with that sort of hymen, so you may need a surgeon or doctor to make an incision before you can do any of these things. Your doctor will talk to you about your options. As well, if pain during intercourse continues and helps like these don't fix things, check in with your doctor: If you're well lubricated, and your partner goes slow, bleeding will likely be minimal or may not happen at all. Nothing is wrong if bleeding does not happen: If you find that you've had intercourse many times and still are bleeding with it, and you've already tried things like adding extra lubrication or more non-intercourse activities, check in with your sexual healthcare provider.
Orgasm Either of you may not reach orgasm during first intercourse, and it is common that many women won't ever from intercourse all by itself. Most women don't , and that's not usually just because a male partner isn't maintaining erection for long enough or because he's not doing the right things. That doesn't mean it wasn't good, that anyone failed, or that anything is wrong. Even once you're an old hand at intercourse with a given partner, it is entirely possible -- and usual -- that it won't be what brings you to climax by itself, but that other forms of sex, like oral sex or clitoral stimulation combined with intercourse, will.
In addition, it is also highly common that during first intercourse, the male partner's erection may not last very long, and he may reach orgasm very quickly, perhaps even more quickly than he wanted to.
Again, that too is okay, and it doesn't mean anything is wrong with anyone. It just means that something so new and intense, and often a little nerve-wracking, has effects on your body and also that young men, and men in general, often reach orgasm quickly, and in general, more quickly than women. You Aren't Alone It is likely that during this experience, both partners may need downtime or care. Bear in mind that first intercourse, while not usually physically painful for men, isn't always emotionally easy either, and the male partner may likely be just as nervous, scared or inexperienced as the gal is.
He may, for instance, have trouble maintaining erection, and that's fine and good too -- if you still want to be sexually intimate, just move to another activity in which an erection isn't required. It's all okay, and if you've got a male partner who thinks it isn't, just remind him that it really is. Don't forget that men often have burdens to bear with first intercourse, and many feel pretty serious pressure to do it "right" and make it good for everyone. Many caring young men are also very scared and nervous of hurting their female partners.
Try and be sure and remember that women aren't the only ones with issues and fears, and give each other the same patience and sensitivity you want from your partner. Finishing Safely When you're done with intercourse, take off the condom -- away from the vulva -- slowly, knot it, and throw it away.
When you're pulling the penis out of the vagina, you'll want to hold onto the base of the condom so it doesn't slip off before you're ready for it to come off. If the condom does slip off and get "lost" in the vagina during intercourse, reach into the vagina, and feel for the circular or ring end of the condom.